Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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