i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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