So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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