how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
