You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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