but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I party with great urgency now.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
