Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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