dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
