yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Holy sore nipples Batman
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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