insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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