I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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