this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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