I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
