explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
