What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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