I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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