White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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