I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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