it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
