Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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