it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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