unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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