I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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