You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
