It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
