Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
