I forgot how hot balto sounded
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize