there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
