please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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