I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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