sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
