i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
