I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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