Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
