I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
