Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
