sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
