I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
