you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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