Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
