cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
we're making bets on your personal life
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
