im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
