I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
