she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Barsexuality is the new black.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
