There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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