Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
