You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I still have a little drunk in my system
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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