Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
