I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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