there's paper in my vomit.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
