Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
