Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize