Moan for me like Helen Keller
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
its liver damage thursday
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
