trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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